This article is written by guest writer and amazing friend of mine, the super talented Jehan Marmita! Jehan is also part of the Story Nights Cebu team and former Story Nights Storyteller.
We all have to agree that Tinder will always be the Mecca app for all single ladies. Whether your goal is to seek for your next Ryan Gosling or just want to have a quick lay, Tinder is the one. Online dating will always be a trial and error experiment. It can be fun and all but always expect lots of twist and turns especially that Tinder has a plethora of interesting and unexpected characters.
Take it from me, I was once a Tinderella. That time had been both a blessing and a curse for me. I matched a lot of guys that runs the gamut from a guy who definitely loves his coffee, a guy that could Jedi mind trick you, to a creep with a weird fetish. So, let me narrow down and share to you the types of guys you’ll meet on Tinder.
1. The DTF (Down To F*ck)
I personally call them the Wham Bham Thank You Ma’am guys. These “only here for sex” type of guys are huge time-savers. If he asks “What are you here for?” or for nudes, then he is that guy. They totally skip the courtship and instantly make things crystal clear what they are really here for. If you are in a mood for a quick hook-up, then he is the guy for you.
2. The Tourist
Meet DTF’s cousin, The Tourist (local or Afam). If his bio says “ Only here for the weekend or X no. of days” yes, you guessed it, he’s also in it for sex too. Let’s face it, they’re going to leave real soon anyway. Watch out, as they can also turn you into an instant tour guide or concierge. He constantly asks you on where to go, what to eat and everything else under the sun!
3. The Animal Lover
There’s actually a study that guys with pets make them more attractive. I mean, look at those doggos’ cute lil smile. How adorable! So your instinct is to definitely swipe right. They are the Tinder click-bait ads. They hook us up with this tactic for sure. This is actually a sign that they’re the ultimate manipulators.
4. The Body Freak
This one is very easy to detect. His photos consists of a shirtless photo, flexing at gym, a Spartan race or Ironman photo, hiking at Osmeña Peak down to a simple Abellana or Ayala run photo. He definitely knows his right angles. Your topic will always be about his routines and lifestyle. They often tend to be too fond on their looks. Yeah, we do appreciate confidence but not arrogance though. This also makes you question what he does for a living since he’s got so much time to get that body. You gotta hand it to him though, it ain’t easy to look like that.
5. The Hipster or The Hypebeast
They really thought over the photos they use on their profiles. They are usually heavily filtered or very curated. They indirectly boast their sneakers or they have those trendy haircuts. Hmm… Is it just me or their kind usually have the Shinto Shrine photo. Have you noticed that too?
6. The Disclaimers
These are the most annoying guys…ever! They have photos of kids and then write and claim on their bios that they are his “nephew, nieces or godchildren.” Another example would be “the girl is my sister, friend or whatsoever” Ugh. Just stop. We really don’t see the point. It is actually a major turn-off.
7. The Myers- Briggs Type
This is actually a new breed. Some of you might be scratching your heads now and ask what the hell is Myers – Briggs? For starters, Myers-Briggs indicates your personality type. It is like a scientific horoscope. You usually see acronyms such as INTJ, ENFP, ENTP and etc. on their bios. Half of these guys use this technique to give you an idea of what they really are. While the other half use this to make them look smarter since most girls these days claim that they are “sapiosexuals.” TRUTH!
8. The Netflix and Chillers
Need I say more? But to be fair with these guys, they have enough tact to at least pretend that they have motivations other than hooking up.
9. The Ghoster
He’s probably one of the most interesting guys that you’ve ever met. He’s a great conversationalist and both of you share a lot of common interests. You text for hours, turns into days, to weeks. Then all of a sudden, poof! He stops messaging you. *insert cricket sounds. This guy will definitely inspire you to delete the app. Girl,don’t torment yourself on trying to figure out what went wrong. We should make Ari’s song “Thank you, next” as our mantra.
10. The Scammer
Either this guy uses only one photo, very old photos or pixelated ones (obviously not his). Everytime you ask for more photos he will always have an excuse about not being able to give you that. Just stop talking to this creep. He’s probably living a double life.
11. The Perpetual Texter
This guy has no zero intentions of meeting up in person. Unlike the scammer, he is actually not fabricating about his identity. He just flakes. He is just bored and only wants to chat with you without the hassle of pursuing an actual relationship.
12. The Rebounder
He is the no. 1 user. He doesn’t usually reveal that he just broke up with his ex but will eventually tell you when the time comes. He gets you by telling you sob stories and listening to your stories well in fact, he actually doesn’t really care. He is just using you to speed up the healing process, validate himself and make his ego feel better. You’ll just be in shock that he’ll stop reaching to you only to find out he is back with his ex.
13. The Instafamous
Certainly not the greatest talkers. He asks for your IG handle or Facebook accounts and then asks you to follow him back. He silently judges you on how curated your posts are or how many followers you have. Days after, you found out he unfollowed you already. He’s just using you to gain more followers.
14. The Gerontophile a.k.a The Tony Labrusca
Gerontophile is a person whose primary sexual attraction are the elderly. He is the Tony Labrusca on Tinder looking for “matured” or “experienced’ women. These young men are usually a lot of fun and makes you feel a little more hip, makes you feel younger. But careful though, they could also turn into a clinger. There would probably come a time that the connection may tend to get lost due to the age gap. He probably doesn’t know who Nick Carter is!
15. The Hottie
Oh, he definitely knows! He knows that he is hot but this will end up in two ways:
A. You’ll probably experience the best sex you ever have and never see him again
B. He will never ever message you first. So you swallow your pride and message him.
You’ll never have that conversation you desire but hey, since you matched, at least it boosts up your self-esteem.
16. The Player
He’ll make you like him, you could probably tell he’s going to be your next mistake but you swiped right anyway. He’s such a smooth and sweet talker, makes you swoon just to get into your pants. He’s like a potential Taylor Swift song material. He’ll bookmark or keep you, and bunch of other girls, on his tabs. But hey, if you’re fine with that, you do you woman! Just remember to keep it safe. No glove, no love. Kung sa Bisaya pa, “Way guma, way gugma.”
17. The Great Catch
This is the best swipe right you ever did. #NORAGRETS. This is very hard to describe because it actually depends who your “great catch” is. But for sure, he is the one you’ve been meaning to meet up and pursue a relationship with. If ever you encounter this kind of guy, remember what Mama Ru said, “Good luck and don’t fuck it up!”
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